Anyone can copulate with a willing member of the opposite sex, as we saw earlier, but the act is not necessarily based upon an intimate knowledge of the sexuality of the partner and, although it can be exciting and gratifying, in reality it amounts to no more than masturbation using the genitals of the opposite sex. A lot of couples, married or not, spend much of their sexual lives copulating with one another and not having intercourse, let alone making love. They have never communicated about their sexual needs and preferences. This can come about because of shyness, inhibition, lack of courage, or a lack of knowledge or imagination.
For most couples the desire to please and to give pleasure, along with the desire to experiment, leads to the elaboration of simple copulation into intercourse. This elaboration expresses the needs and the sexual personalities (sexualities) of that particular couple. As they develop and grow together as a couple they develop a pattern of sexual behaviour which is unique to them. Copulation at its most basic is almost entirely a physical experience but intercourse is much more. It involves the personalities and intimate needs and desires of the people involved. Love is certainly not a prerequisite for enjoyable and fulfilling intercourse-but it helps. Some people, however, find it difficult to express themselves sexually with someone they love. This is one of the many ironies of sexual dysfunction.
Some women are so excited by the thought of intercourse that they have an orgasm at or soon after penetration. Many men have the same experience but if they can develop an attitude of mind which thinks of penetration, at least initially, as being a continuation of their foreplay techniques, they find they can make intercourse last as long as they or their partner wishes. It is possible to do this by accepting the pleasurable sensations in the penis and, instead of trying to suppress awareness of them by thinking of something non-sexual, trying to focus attention on the partner and her responses. When they finally decide to ‘let go’, perhaps on some mutually agreed signal from the woman such as, for example, her stroking him in some particular way, they can unleash their sexual desires and start to move in a way which produces maximum penile pleasure. At this stage the man often becomes relatively unaware of the woman’s reactions because his own pleasure is so intense. On the other hand his mounting passion, tension and vigour may be more than sufficient for his partner to obtain an (or another) orgasm. Trying to obtain a simultaneous orgasm by any other means can all too easily reduce what should be a spontaneous pleasure to a series of predetermined goals which have to be worked hard for. Most people find this takes the fun out of sex, even if on occasions it results in them climaxing together.
From the point at which he ‘lets go’ the man is no longer concerned with how long he lasts, and the time it takes him to have an orgasm is likely to be somewhere between a half to three minutes. The average man on the majority of occasions ejaculates within two minutes or less, unless he learns to control the situation. Exceptions are those men who suffer from a form of impotence known as retarded ejaculation. Any man can teach himself to establish ejaculatory control and there are several well-tried techniques available. These include the determination of a frequency of ejaculation reasonable for the individual man (if he goes too many days between orgasms he will be too ‘trigger-happy’); the rehearsal in fantasy of the technique we have just described when he masturbates; and the practice of semi-masturbation in which he rubs his erect penis with accompanying fantasies but does not allow himself to reach orgasm. By doing these things the average man can easily get used to maintaining an erection for long periods without ejaculating and can then ejaculate at will. Most experts would agree that being able to do this is valuable because most, if not all, women enjoy some prolongation of the act and many complain that their men are too quick. Premature ejaculation as such is a somewhat different problem and is discussed later.
Women too can train themselves through masturbation to develop attitudes and practices of value in intercourse. For many women their desire for intercourse rises with the amount they masturbate. Through masturbation and appropriate fantasy a woman can train herself to increase her excitement during intercourse and so reduce the time it takes to have an orgasm. As far as we know, those women who have a capacity for multiple orgasms establish it first by masturbating. The ability to masturbate well is basic to intercourse, just as learning to talk is the basis of the ability to converse. In a way successful and enjoyable intercourse could be described as two masturbators comparing notes and then making it perfect for each other. In fact, unless you know exactly what your partner likes when masturbating you will not get the best out of intercourse.
But this view of intercourse reveals a common difficulty. For reasons discussed elsewhere in the book, some men find that they perpetually prefer to adopt a passive role in intercourse. This may be one reason why prostitution is popular — the man can pay a woman to do things to him. In some cases all that can be done to help such couples is to suggest that they each take it in turns to be active and passive. Most men have occasional masturbation fantasies of the woman taking charge and most women have occasional fantasies of being in charge. So most couples are likely to enjoy occasional role reversal in intercourse and this of course doubles their repertoire. Some women, on the other hand, have a need to be totally passive, since to behave in any other way would raise their sense of guilt to a point where they can no longer enjoy themselves. Such women can often be unsatisfactory partners, especially for the older man who needs prolonged stimulation from the woman if he is to function well.
To some degree we are all reared with inhibitions about intercourse. One effect this has is to raise anxiety, which in turn tends to make men ejaculate earlier than would otherwise be the case and to delay orgasm in women. Good masturbation can help to master and dispel these inhibitions but both sexes also need their partner’s help to abolish them. So, a woman who understands her sexuality and the needs of her body should educate her partner, and her partner, by encouraging her to develop her capabilities, can liberate her from her inner inhibitions. After all, between the two of them there should be complete openness and a willingness to do what the other wants.
The trouble with inhibitions is that they tend to increase one’s awareness and vigilance. The individual, so to speak, ‘watches’ him or herself for any infringement of the unconscious ‘rules’, and this is exactly the opposite to what is needed for good intercourse. What we need to do is to cut off our earlier taught restraints so that we can totally lose conscious control of what we are doing during intercourse. In this sense, good intercourse is a kind of regression to babyhood and this may be the reason why some couples indulge in baby-like talk and noises when making love. After a certain point in the proceedings rational talk reimposes awareness of the real world and undermines the other-worldiness so vital for good intercourse. Some people, especially women, fearing total sexual abandonment, continue to talk, as a defence against this loss of control. The same end can be achieved if a woman self-consciously concentrates on having an orgasm instead of relaxing and letting it happen. An inhibited man too may over-concentrate on the state of his penis, his partner’s physiological responses, or the mechanics of intercourse. Although he achieves his unconscious inhibiting aim of pleasure reduction by doing these things, the consequence is likely to be poor performance and early ejaculation with a poor-quality orgasm.
So much for the background factors so vital to success in enjoyable and fulfilling intercourse. Realising they exist, recognising them and dealing with them can help a man and a woman help each other. The overwhelming principle, contrary to what most sex books would have you believe, is that attitudes are more important than techniques. The most powerful sex organ of the body is the brain. Too many ‘experts’ have put far too much emphasis on genital technique and positions during intercourse. The vast majority of couples with good, enjoyable and lasting sexual relationships do not spend their lives changing techniques but eventually learn to make love in a few tried and tested ways that they find mutually enjoyable and satisfying.
Having said this, it is helpful to be aware of some of the many ways in which it is possible to have intercourse, because most couples want to experiment from time to time and need to be aware of the alternatives there are at special times of life, for example, during pregnancy.
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